Okay, I’m the worst blogger ever. I’m not consistent, regular, I miss many opportunities to write. I don’t even remember if my last blog left you on a cliffhanger. If it did, I want you to know I’m okay. I’m on my couch, drinking beer, watching T.V. My comedian buddy Rodney Ramsey said “This blog is a great idea. But like any blog, you got to make sure you write it all the time, whether you feel like it or not.” I think he said that a month ago. For me, blogging is like going to the gym. I really like it once I get there. When I leave, I think “I’m definitely going back tomorrow.” Then, I don’t go for 3 weeks. I’m no creature of habit.
Tonight, I’m not even performing. I’m sitting at home, watching “Dice-Undisputed.” It’s past 2:00am and nothing’s on TV. Suddenly, I remember I have “Dice-Undisputed” on my DVR. It may not be as popular as “Glee” or as scandalous as “Melrose Place”(please don’t cancel “Melrose Place,”) but I can’t help but be intrigued by any show having to do with stand up comdey. My boyfriend walk’s in the room, with his Stouffers Thai Ginger Beef microwaved dinner.
“Who’s this guy?” He asks. That’s the best part about dating a younger man. He doesn’t know who Andrew Dice Clay is.
“He’s a dirty comic from the 80’s. He actually used to be quite famous.”
Ewwwwwwww. Did I just defend Andrew Dice Clay? I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to justify the shows I plug into the PVR.
“Okay, Cutie. Don’t rot your brain with this stuff,” he says, as he leaves the room. I’m sure my boyfriend isn’t the only person Dice has walked in the last 20 years.
I continue to watch the show. As a partially working comic, I need to know which comics are getting their own TV shows. Are they funny? Am I funnier? Do they have better connections than me? Probably. But I’m well known at the Keg. In this particular episode, Dice is going to Boston, to do a live show. He’s determined to crush. The show comes back from commercial. The letters “IFC” pop up in the top right hand corner of the TV. Don’t brag about airing a show unless you think it’s good, IFC. Then, on the top left corner, it says, “Coming Up Next: Dead at 17.” Enough said.
Wow. I wouldn’t want to play “Count the beeps on this show.” Swearing isn’t funny. Swearing has it’s place in life for sure, but it’s not here, on this show. Swearing is appropriate when you get to the Beer Store two minutes after it closes. Swearing is appropriate when you stub your toe, or get naked and realize you’re out of condoms. Swearing is NOT so entertaining, when an old comic from the 80’s and his three buddies are pinballing between each other during a reality show.
There’s another commercial break. I’m not even fast forwarding the commercials anymore. I’m actually trying to remember what other F words sound like. What companies are airing their ads during this show? Cuz these are not companies I’m buying anything from.
We’re back. Dice has entered the building of his big show. Artie Lang is going to bring him up. I should wake up my boyfriend and see if he knows who Artie Lang is. I wonder if my boyfriend knows who Bob Hope is? I hope so. I love Bob Hope. I don’t care if it makes me sound 60.
Oh no. Dice is getting heckled. Dice is dropping F Bombs, the heckler is dropping F Bombs. I have no idea what is going right now. Oh shit. The show just ended. That was it? He goes to Boston, does a show, says the F word a 1oo times, gets heckled and leaves? Did the Producer lose funding half way through the show? I’m confused. Is this a series or was this a one time special, shot by the director of the Hills? It’s not clear. What a waste of time. I could have been writing jokes for the last hour. Or writing a blog… Oh, ya. I just did.
ps I know I’m a Vegetarian, but I still hang out at the Keg.
pps The commercials I saw during this show were for Mr. Clean, Ancestry.ca, Always Infinity, Gilette, Febreze, Ram Trucks, eHarmony and Duracell. I don’t know what “Clean freak, family loving, menstrating, hairy, ordor-phobic, off teraining, soulmate searching, vibrator users were watching this show tonight, but I have a feeling these companies missed their target audience by a long shot.