Archive for June, 2010

Hi again. Remember me? I’m the blogger who blogs whenever I feel like it. Not consistently, just when ever I want. By doing so, I also save you from reading about my mornings watching “The View,” and my hard ships waiting tables. You’ll thank me someday. But today, I have to write. I just have to. As comedians, we know that funny shit doesn’t happen every day. Sometimes you have to dig for it. Somedays, you don’t.

I was getting off shift from my serving job. A moment I love. Especially since I was “released” at 9:15pm. That’s pretty early in the serving world. I have two birthday parties I want to attend. One, is my new agent, Sarah’s. A quality chick, who I have not spent much time with. As much as I would love to go home, and watch the season finale of 24 (it’s been in my PVR for a month-it’s not going anywhere,) I feel some beers at Sarah’s birthday party will be more exciting. I head for Osgoode Station.

Every time I ride the subway, whether I’m in a rush, or not, I get this uncontrollable urge to run the second I enter the subway. It doesn’t matter if I can hear the train coming or not- I just run. The thought of standing around waiting for a train, or anything for that matter, drives me crazy. In fact, two weeks ago I walked home from a Jay’s game, just because the subway was down. I don’t splurge on cabs when the sun is still out. But I do buy street meat for the walk home.

I enter the station at the Four Seasons entrance. At Osgoode Station, I feel like this is the nicest entrance. I even press the big round buttons on the wall that automatically open the doors, as I walk in. Not for me, but for the people behind me. As I do so, I hear the train. I sprint. I run, and I run fast. I swipe my TTC card, showing to bystanders that I am NO tourist. As I hear the tones of the subways car opening, I run faster, and note that the escalator is working in my favour. As the second set of tones pipe up, I know the train doors are about to close. I run, and I just barely make it in. A small triumph for the day, but I’ll take it. I find a seat(another triumph) and just as I’m about to start reading my book, a guy approaches me.

“Wow, that was pretty amaizing!” Says Bill, or Ted, or somebody on an Excellent Adventure.

“Thanks,” I say, as I bust out my book.

“I’m recruiting for an all girls Volleyball team, and by Volleyball, I mean Roller-derby, and by Roller-derby and mean tennis- and by tennis, I mean I know nothing about sports- you would be perfect. It’s clear you can run,” he says. He’s scrawny, not visably drunk, but definitely eager.

“Well, I don’t really have a lot of spare time,” I say. Obviously. You guys know that, otherwise I’d blog more. I pull out my ipod.

“Wow! You have an ipod and a book. Cool! ” Yes, I can read and listen to Lily Allen at the same time. One of my two talents. As I try to ignore him, he keeps talking.

“What’s your name?”

“Christina.” I’ve never been good with fake names.

“I’m ——–.” I could write it, but I’m too nerdy. I protect the innocent… or the weird. He keeps speaking-shocking, I know.

“What do you do that keeps you so busy? You must have a controlling boyfriend that you’re running home to?” I love that he asks this, cuz he is giving me an opening to say “yes, I have a boyfriend. Go home to Plenty of Fish, or EHarmony.” Of course, I don’t really say that-I’m too nice.

“No, actually, my boyfriend is quite nice.”

“Oh, well, I’m a comedian,” he says. This is when I perk up. He’s a comedian? Are times as an open mic-er so bad these days, you try to make random chicks on the subway laugh? He doesn’t know who he’s dealing with- and I’m glad. Sure it’s sad he doesn’t know who I am-nobody does. But I still believe I’m slightly ahead of him in the game.

“Oh, you’re a comedian?” I ask. “Where do you perform?”

“Yuk Yuk’s, Absolute… all over.”

I start to giggle. I can’t help it. Finally I have to let him in on what I do.

“Well, actually I work for Yuk Yuk’s. I’m actually on my way to Sarah’s birthday party right now. Do you know Sarah?”

“Umm… no…I know Jessica…” He says, getting nervous.

“I know Jess. Cool chick, shoulder length dark hair, tattoos, doesn’t like Celine Dion… that Jess?” Okay, I know that’s way too many details about Jess, but you get the picture. I know Jess.

“Ummm… No, I know Jessica the waitress at Yuk Yuks.”

At this point, he starts to lose all confidence. Heaven forbid that approaching a random girl on the subway, and claiming you’re a stand up comic, should come back and bite you in the ass.

“Well, this is awkward now…” he says. The only honest thing he’s said between Osgoode and Museum Station. At St. George Station, we both get off.

“Are you going to Sarah’s birthday party too?” I say. We walk down the stairs to the Bloor Line.
“It’ll be mostly comics there. You must know some of them.”

Is that bitchy? I didn’t mean to seem bitchy, but if this guy is really a comedian, even if it’s one I’ve never heard of before, that uses the TTC as a form of practicing crowd work, he could certainly drop by.

“Uh, well I know some comics… um… Gilson Lubin..” I pipe in, right away.

“I love Gilson! He’s great.” Bill/Ted is more terrified that I recognize his reference.

“And Kenny Robinson….” he continues.

“I love Kenny too!” I say. I know you’re probably thinking this guy is black, but he’s not. He’s as white as my inner upper thigh. And I’m only pointing that out because I want you to know that most of Kenny and Gilson’s fans are NOT this tacky.

Not much else happens between me and random “comedian” after this. I think I’ve shocked him by being a comedian. Later in the night, I ran into Rodney Ramsey(whom I mentioned in the last blog- a fantastic comic/buddy) and I relay the story to him. As it happens, Gilson was out tonight too.

“Tell the story, but make sure you drop the name of the “comic” at the end.” – Rodney.

Tons of laughing happened tonight. Most of it was off stage. That’s the best part about being a comic: Hanging out with comics. We bond just like any other co-workers. And I haven’t even started on my comedian friend Claire and her “Manbatical”(check for blog links on my Facebook page.)

So next time I enter a subway station, I may not run for the train. Like Gwyneth Paltrow in “Sliding Doors,” my fate is my fate. I have many destinies, but only one can transgress.

comedian girl.

PS If you have seen that movie, just note that I prefer myself with long hair. I hope that doesn’t Fuck up my life.

Okay, I’m the worst blogger ever.  I’m not consistent, regular, I miss many opportunities to write.  I don’t even remember if my last blog left you on a cliffhanger.  If it did, I want you to know I’m okay.  I’m on my couch, drinking beer, watching T.V.  My comedian buddy Rodney Ramsey said “This blog is a great idea.  But like any blog, you got to make sure you write it all the time, whether you feel like it or not.”  I think he said that a month ago.  For me, blogging is like going to the gym.  I really like it once I get there.  When I leave, I think “I’m definitely going back tomorrow.”  Then, I don’t go for 3 weeks.  I’m no creature of habit.

Tonight, I’m not even performing.  I’m sitting at home, watching “Dice-Undisputed.”  It’s past 2:00am and nothing’s on TV.  Suddenly, I remember I have “Dice-Undisputed” on my DVR.  It may not be as popular as “Glee” or as scandalous as “Melrose Place”(please don’t cancel “Melrose Place,”) but I can’t help but be intrigued by any show having to do with stand up comdey.  My boyfriend walk’s in the room, with his Stouffers Thai Ginger Beef microwaved dinner.

“Who’s this guy?”  He asks.  That’s the best part about dating a younger man.  He doesn’t know who Andrew Dice Clay is.

“He’s a dirty comic from the 80’s.  He actually used to be quite famous.”

Ewwwwwwww.  Did I just defend Andrew Dice Clay?  I didn’t mean to.  I was just trying to justify the shows I plug into the PVR.

“Okay, Cutie.  Don’t rot your brain with this stuff,” he says, as he leaves the room.  I’m sure my boyfriend isn’t the only person Dice has walked in the last 20 years.

I continue to watch the show.  As a partially working comic, I need to know which comics are getting their own TV shows.  Are they funny?  Am I funnier?  Do they have better connections than me?  Probably.   But I’m well known at the Keg.  In this particular episode, Dice is going to Boston, to do a live show.  He’s determined to crush.  The show comes back from commercial.  The letters “IFC” pop up in the top right hand corner of the TV.  Don’t brag about airing a show unless you think it’s good, IFC.  Then, on the top left corner, it says, “Coming Up Next: Dead at 17.”  Enough said.

Wow.  I wouldn’t want to play “Count the beeps on this show.”  Swearing isn’t funny.  Swearing has it’s place in life for sure, but it’s not here, on this show.  Swearing is appropriate when you get to the Beer Store two minutes after it closes.  Swearing is appropriate when you stub your toe, or get naked and realize you’re out of condoms.  Swearing is NOT so entertaining, when an old comic from the 80’s and his three buddies are pinballing between each other during a reality show.

There’s another commercial break.  I’m not even fast forwarding the commercials anymore.  I’m actually trying to remember what other F words sound like.  What companies are airing their ads during this show?  Cuz these are not companies I’m buying anything from.

We’re back.  Dice has entered the building of his big show.  Artie Lang is going to bring him up.  I should wake up my boyfriend and see if he knows who Artie Lang is.  I wonder if my boyfriend knows who Bob Hope is?  I hope so.  I love Bob Hope.  I don’t care if it makes me sound 60.

Oh no.  Dice is getting heckled.  Dice is dropping F Bombs, the heckler is dropping F Bombs.  I have no idea what is going right now.  Oh shit.  The show just ended.  That was it?  He goes to Boston, does a show, says the F word a 1oo times, gets heckled and leaves?  Did the Producer lose funding half way through the show?  I’m confused.  Is this a series or was this a one time special, shot by the director of the Hills?  It’s not clear.  What a waste of time.  I could have been writing jokes for the last hour.  Or writing a blog… Oh, ya.  I just did.

comedian girl.

ps I know I’m a Vegetarian, but I still hang out at the Keg.

pps  The commercials I saw during this show were for Mr. Clean,, Always Infinity, Gilette, Febreze, Ram Trucks, eHarmony and Duracell.  I don’t know what “Clean freak, family loving, menstrating, hairy, ordor-phobic, off teraining, soulmate searching, vibrator users were watching this show tonight, but I have a feeling these companies missed their target audience by a long shot.